Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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