I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
