At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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