Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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