the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
