I met the friendliest cop last night
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i've created a new STD.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
