i was born a porn star she said
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
