I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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