He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
