so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
