Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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