wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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