everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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