if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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