you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
