I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
