I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
