Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Screwed.edu
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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