my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
