He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
