Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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