So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
