The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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