I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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