If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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