I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
