hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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