I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
