I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
