My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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