I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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