it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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