just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
