how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
