Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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