dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
