we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
