Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
