Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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