i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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