I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
