I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
