Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The Olympian is in my bed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize