i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
