we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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