i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
