we're chasing vodka with high fives
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
