margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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