when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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