Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Jerry, you need to find god
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
