I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
