So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
