Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
