yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
