based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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