you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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