Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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