I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
