1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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