there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
