the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
