good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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