and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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