Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
