I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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